Last Sunday, on February 9, 2014 at 9:45 am, Dean Huntington left this world. I am proud and happy to say that I was right beside him holding his hand and talking him through it. He was such a fighter. Up until the very end. Mom figured out that he had been sick for 20 years. While I was going through old pictures, I couldn't hardly remember the ones of him not sick. I'm really hoping that he's feeling that way now.
Mom called me on Friday after Dean went in for a routine appointment. She refused to leave until she talked to the doctors, and had been worried for a few days because Dean was so confused. He had been like this before though, and we always blamed it on him accidentally taking too much morphine. Not this time though. She called me crying and said the cancer had spread and he wasn't going to get better. I asked when he got to come home, and she said he wasn't. The doctor had given him only a few days.
Although I should have been better prepared for this moment, I wasn't. I never imagined we would have such a short amount of time given to us at the end. And at that point, he was already so confused we couldn't have real conversations. He called me mom when I got to the hospital, and said a bunch of things that would be absolutely hilarious if they weren't so tragic.
I feel very lucky to have been given some alone time with Dean at the end. At one point I wasn't sure if he could hear me, and I was crying and said "I don't know what I would do without you". And he squeezed my hand and said "I don't know what I would do without you either, you're my whole world." I will never forget that.
I had made Dean a Valentine's Day card from Hudson, and it arrived Saturday. I ran home to get it, and take a quick shower. When I brought it back my mom was describing all the pictures to Dean in his sleep. He sat up and said "Let me see it!" and then looked at the pictures. I thanked him for being such a great grandpa and great dad, and told him he was my best friend. He drank half a glass of milk (the first thing he had eaten or drank in days) and some juice and laid back down. Saturday night was VERY rough. Of course mom slept through all of it, unable to hear what was going on. But Dean kept trying to get up and go to the bathroom (he had a catheter in, but couldn't understand that). I had to call the nurses several times who came in and gave him some medicine that helped him relax. The worst part was his breathing. It was the most horrific sound I hope I never hear again. But I fell asleep for a few hours and when I woke up, his breathing was different. I knew it wasn't long. He was struggling for each breath. So I squeezed his hand and rubbed his arm and told him that maybe he could have dinner with his Grandma Huntington and Otis tonight. And I told him it would be okay. He was such a fighter but it was okay, he would be okay and we would be okay. And he took his last breath right then.
Although I was so unprepared for the phone call from my mom, I was somehow more prepared for his death, and took it better than I expected. I wanted to talk at his funeral..which was odd because Grandma asked me to talk at Aunt Bonnie's and I knew I couldn't do it. I cried through my whole speech but at least I did it. I felt like it was important. Here's the speech:
"People say "blood is thicker than water"…but I'm here to prove them wrong. Dean and I didn't have a drop of blood between us, but I can't imagine two people with a closer relationship. He was more special to me than a father, because he CHOSE to be my father. He chose the less easy road of being a strict parent, but I never doubted for a minute that it was because he loved me.
The two biggest values Dean instilled in me, was to do the right thing, and tell the truth. He didn't always care if it meant hurting people's feelings-like the time he told my best friend in high school she needed to stop shoving 20 lbs of ass into a 10 lb pair of pants. He always got his point across, and 9 times out of 10 he was right.
I picked up a lot of qualities from Dean, but the one I pride myself on most is being a loving parent. Even though Dean told me he loved me every day, he didn't have to. I could tell it from the mustard smiley faces with a relish booger he made on my sandwiches for lunch. I could tell it by the way he cleared his schedule to bring his popcorn maker to my classroom and make popcorn for all of my friends in 3rd grade. I could tell it by him being the only Dad at my girl scouts troop pumpkin carving get together. Anytime I needed him, he was there without question. He made it clear that I was his number one priority.
Although I am very sad, and will be lost for a little while without him, I vow to look back on his life with a smile. I will be happy for the 59 years we were lucky to have him on this earth. He will live on in me, and then in Hudson. I will make Hudson relish booger sandwiches, and hopefully he will make them for his kids. I will teach Hudson to do the right thing and tell the truth, even if it's not easy. He will never be forgotten."
We opted for a closed casket, but that really bothered Pat. So we asked the funeral director to leave it open for her for a little while before everyone got there. I didn't want to go see him, but I walked in the room and then decided I couldn't not look. He looked good. Much better than I expected. We had chosen his favorite Life is Good T-shirt "Not all who wander are lost", his favorite jeans and shoes. We played music from the Top 25 songs on his Ipod while people came in. The funeral director had asked us about playing Amazing Grace as people were filing out, a guitar version he had. We said that would be nice...and then on the way home I found a Roy Buchannan version, so we messaged the funeral director and asked that we play that instead, as he was one of Dean's favorites. When I was going through his Top 25 songs to weed out the inappropriate ones (and there were a few!) I found Amazing Grace by Roy Buchannan in the top 5 most played. It really felt like HIS funeral. I love the way it turned out. His sister Nancy did the Eulogy...not some strange man that never met Dean. I walked away from the experience feeling very good about it. And then was a paul-barrer for him once we got to the cemetery. The cemetery was nice, and there were trees decorated for Christmas. There is a tree right behind Dean, so it brought me comfort thinking about going to decorate it for holidays. I hope I can make it through this. I woke up every hour last night in a panic. I'm afraid I took his passing too well and it will come back to get me. I'm just doing the best I can right now...
I put this picture in his hand before they shut the casket. This was taken at Thanksgiving, while everyone else was eating dinner, Dean was sitting with Hudson talking and smiling. Like I told Dean, I don't know what I will do without him!
