Feeling Sappy.

Today was a good day. Today we had a "Shala Day" which means I get to pick anything I want for us to do all day. ("Danny Days" mean we have to watch sports and play video games all day). So, today we went to the Children's Museum for Jolly Days and watched Christmas movies. It was wonderful! But here I sit with what feels like a weight on my chest and tears flowing down my face.

While we were walking into the Children's Museum, Hudson was being his usual adorable self and a little old lady behind us was laughing, saying what a wonderful feeling it would be to be so unaware of the world around you. Then she said "Enjoy him, the Good Lord only lends them to us for a short while." Instant. Tears. Just the thing I try to forget every single day. I push the thoughts of Hudson growing up out of my mind as fast as they sneak in there because it feels like a hot dagger being stabbed through my heart into my gut when I think about him growing up and moving out and this stage of my life which I know I was born for, being over.  I love every single day with this little boy. (Maybe not every single minute...but the vast majority of every minute of every day). He already gets mad when I try to play Ipad with him. Remember when I was telling Danny to shut up when he told me not to let him sleep with me? That seems so long ago now. What will I do when he goes to Kindergarten?  How did I turn into that mom? I cry literal tears when I think about it too long. Sigh...

Another tear jerking moment for me: we rode the carrousel at the end of our Children's Museum trip (of course!) and I saw the same father and son that caught my eye the last time we were there. This particular duo rode the carrousel at least 3 times in a row while we were there last time. The boy was close to 30 with Downs Syndrome, and the dad was almost 60. They were riding 2 rows up from us today, the boy wearing all camo  with a Transformers backpack and the dad several inches shorter than me. They got up with us and walked the same direction as us for a little while before Hudson ran a different direction. The son put his arm around his dads shoulders and walked the entire length of the time we followed them. It was such a heartwarming thing to watch I had to fight and wipe back tears the entire time we were near them. It was just such a selfless love...a great example for us. I saw the same joy on that dad's face that I feel when I do things I know Hudson loves.

I guess there's nothing I can do about him growing up. But I vow every day to enjoy him the way he is today, because he will never be this old again. Evey day he changes just a little bit more, and I don't want to miss anything. Even when he is throwing screaming tantrums (which happen more and more these days) I try to breathe that in. Everything is temporary. I am so lucky to have been given this little boy!

Updates.

Is it really already December? I've had so much to update, but can't seem to sit down and find the time or the strength to do it. Let's start with October. It was a shitty month. The shittiest of my life maybe. Aunt Bonnie lost her battle with breast cancer that came out of nowhere in March. The last time I saw her I spent the whole time trying not to cry because she looked so terrible. I tried to be strong and happy when I saw her, and then I cried my whole way home. People use the term "like a second mother" loosely, but I am NOT using that loosely when I describe her as that. I spent the summers with her, she was the one I went to talk to when I had a serious problem or needed a good laugh. She was always there for me, and always would be. I really can't believe she's gone. I feel her with me though when I think about her, and it's helped me cope. I absolutely hate the thought that Hudson won't grow up to know her, because I know he would love her as much as I did, and she would love him as much as my parents do. I am thankful that she's no longer suffering. One week after she passed, so did her dog. My uncle says that she got lonely and came back to get him.

A few weeks later on Halloween I came out of the shower to find Sasha asleep on a chair. Except she wasn't asleep. She was the most special cat, and Hudson's best friend. I will miss her SO much. I'm just thankful that Hudson wasn't old enough to understand what happened and that she went peacefully in her sleep.

You will forever be missed, and never replaced!

On to happier things. Hudson was cute as hell for Halloween. He was going to be a zombie train conductor...we took him to the Children's Museum on Halloween day (trick or treat was postponed because of the weather) and left the hat in Danny's car...so when I took him out for trick or treat with Harper he didn't have his hat...so I made him a business man zombie.

I didn't think about how hard it would be to get those tattoos off...

Other fun October activities...

We had a nice much needed break back to McCromick's creek. It was wonderful! It is such a relaxing place to go and just be together. We went on a few hikes, did a few puzzles, had some good food and Hudson even got to make his own pizza!

Thanksgiving was nice. Uncle Mike, Uncle Neil, Grandma and Bryston came in, we went to Mom and Dean's and Danny's mom and Scott came over. It was really nice to have us all together. It was great food and a good time!

And now we are getting ready for Christmas! PLEASE let these next few months go better than the last few! So far we seem to be getting better every day.

24 socks, 24 books, and his Elf on a Shelf..."Elp!" He's loving looking for him every day. He really lights up my life that guy!